This Machine is Obsolete

The insurance provided by my job doesn’t cover Xyrem or Nuvigil, and it only gives me the option of Adderall or Ritalin. I already tried Adderall and hated it, so I’m on Ritalin. It’s nowhere near as effective as Xyrem, which kept my Narcolepsy symptoms under control. Stimulants just don’t seem to work for me. I’m always miserable now, and I’m resentful of the agency where I’m employed.

I’m getting help from a patient advocacy group, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll be sent to Xyrem’s patient assistance program. I think I make too much money to qualify, but I also don’t make enough to pay thousands of dollars each month. But who does?

Pure time, time decanted, freed of events, beings, and things, appears only at certain moments of the night, when you feel it coming on, with the on intention of sweeping you off toward an exemplary catastrophe.
E. M. Cioran, The Trouble With Being Born
I don’t want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can’t even see it, something that’s drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.
Margaret Atwood
japhyr:

“No more to say, and nothing to weep for” 
- Allen Ginsberg

japhyr:

“No more to say, and nothing to weep for” 

- Allen Ginsberg

Eternity bores me,
I never wanted it.
Sylvia Plath, The Collected Poems: Years, November 16 1962
And all this ceaseless labor—to what end? Merely to entomb oneself deeper and deeper in silence, it seems, so deep that one can never be dragged out of it again by anybody.
Franz Kafka, Investigations of a Dog
Each time I have a lapse of memory, I think of the anguish which must afflict those who know they no longer remember anything. But something tells me that after a certain time a secret joy possesses them, a joy the would not agree to trade for any of their memories, even the most stirring….
E. M. Cioran, The Trouble With Being Born

Le joli mai (Chris Marker, 1963)